The XrossroadZ Podcast
Welcome to The XrossroadZ Podcast, where we mix humor with heartfelt chats to explore life's ups, downs, and everything in between as Xennials. New Episodes each Thursday. Join best friends, Barzini & Dre Renee as they share stories, spark laughter, and offer a fresh perspective on the everyday, some you agree with & those to make you think again. There's only ONE rule: Be Free 2 Be You!
The XrossroadZ Podcast
Ep 68 Dating in your 40s
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Dating at 40+ hits different, but in the best and strangest ways.
In this episode of The XrossroadZ Podcast, Dre & Barz break down what dating looks like when you’ve lived enough life to know yourself, your needs, your non‑negotiables, and your peace.
Whether you’re single, partnered, divorced, “it’s complicated,” or somewhere in between, this episode is all about the real‑life experiences, lessons, and surprises that shape modern dating for grown folks.
This isn’t a list of rules — it’s an honest conversation between two Xennials navigating love, healing, identity, and connection.
Comment below:
What’s one thing dating in your 40s has taught YOU?
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Welcome to the Crossroads Podcast.
SPEAKER_01What's going on, everybody? It's your man Hunter Grand, your personal agent for change, making life easy, Barzini. And I'm Finpreneur Extraordinaire and Tech Diva All Day, Dre Renee. And this is the crossroads, where there's only one rule. Be free to be you. Whew. We made it. Yeah, we made it. This week. Woo! All right. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Just got sound effects, huh?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Why don't you tell them what we're talking about this week so you can yeah.
SPEAKER_02Well, we're talking about dating after 40. And dating after 40, it just requires something different than after 20s and 30s. Uh, so we're gonna talk a little bit about that, you know, dating, whether you've never been married. Um, clearly there are people who are dating after divorce. Um, we even have some that are approaching or in their empty nesting phase. You know, some people don't date until they their kids get to a certain age, and then some are dating while they're married. Oh, you're not lying, but I really don't want to give that a platform.
SPEAKER_01That is no, but I am gonna give this cautionary warning because I've seen it and you posted about it. Oh, yeah, gone and warn the people for those of y'all who are on Facebook and you part of these Facebook groups, these groups are not private. Yeah, they might you may not be able to comment because you're not part of the group, but they're advertising groups on the main feed, which is probably how you saw the group in the first place, and you can see people you know posting in this group, yeah. You know, with the big picture, like, hey, just posting my picture. Seeing are people really getting making matches in this group? Like, like, bro, y'all sloppy pimping, and it ain't just the dudes.
SPEAKER_02No, it's not if you belong to someone else or they think you belong to them, just know that you're seeing you, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I it just I got Cat Williams in my in my head. Do you know that we can see you?
SPEAKER_02I am gonna say no. I'm gonna say some people just they think, yeah, I'm in this group, and whoever is not in this group with me, and so I'm safe to say whatever I want. And I'm like, nah, bro.
SPEAKER_01I just don't understand with the degree of separation being as small as it is now with social media, that you would just be out here like that, unless like the level of not caring that you I'm gonna say you just don't care, yeah. To be in that ignorance and I yeah, your digital footprint stretches for like I remember when you can see, I don't know if they still do it where you can see somebody who liked these certain pages.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I remember I had to call my Twitter. Yeah, and I'm like, yeah, or like even on threads, you can see where you commented on. I don't know if I'm not a Twitter guy, but you know, I've been on threads more recently. But like you're commenting on stuff, and people can go look at what you've commented on stuff.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. I think I wake up at least a few times a week to something you've commented on. I'm like, oh oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01So like listen, just cautionary tale, you have to be careful of everything you do and say, even if the group isn't public um and you feel it's secure. I had um I had an exchange with somebody in a group one time, and this person went and screenshot it what I was talking about in this group and was posting it on their public page. And I'm like, hey, that's not cool. You know what I'm saying? So like even now, it's like, nah, you know, I'll say some wild stuff to be funny, but yeah, you gotta be you gotta be real careful.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, if it's if it's not something you can repeat or it's or something you want to be seen widely, yeah. I think that's the rule.
SPEAKER_01Especially because nobody now nobody cares about contact, context for anything. You know, it's like information travels at the speed of a sound bite or a screenshot, and they're gonna run with whatever narrative, um, yeah, that they just naturally project. So it's like to be more, or no, not even gots to be more careful, don't do it, don't do it. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_02Don't do it, please don't do it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but yeah, so but dating after 40, uh, it definitely hits different. It definitely hits different.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so what what would you say? It's like is it like the day you turn 40, or is it just like in my 40s, I've noticed these.
SPEAKER_01Well, you know, I took a long time off of dating. You know, I might have had some folks that I was kicking it with, but I've been single a long time. And just get back in the not it's I've been in and out. It's kind of like you know, you get in the shallow end of the pool, but you never really just go switch, like you never dunk your head under because it's like for me, I often wonder if it's me. Like I mean, partially, yes, but I'm just like solely me. Like, do I even know how to date anymore? You know what I mean? You know, because it's just not like it was when we were younger. So you remember, you know, I had what I I'm a relationship guy. I was, you know, up until recent years, you know, like the last 10 or so years, most of my adult life was spent in relationships. You know what I'm saying? So I didn't have to date, date, you know what I mean? And um, and then when you're younger, it's easier just because like your your proximity is different, the things that you do and your interests are different. But I think it's the it's the expectations that come with uh with dating, right? And and the mindset. So social media, which wasn't, you know, a big thing back when we were younger, um, plays such a huge part now because it shapes so many mindsets, and people don't even think, you know, like there's a lot a lot of people that have secondhand angst from other people's dating experiences, and you're responding and reacting to things that didn't even happen to you. You know, um, we start to project narratives based on you know something that may have happened to us, and then we're telling this other person like, um, I saw a post and the lady was on a date, and she was texting, like she knows she kept texting and said, I guess the guy got irritated and and took her phone, right? And so, you know, she was like, Oh, give it back, and he wouldn't give it back. And then she says, I know he was joking, but I started crying, right? She's like, Oh, but I was triggered and I started crying, and then the comments was oh, he's controlling and da-da-da-da-da, and he's this and he's that, you know, and I was just like, Why are you taking somebody else's property though? Like, I mean, I get it, like I didn't want him to her to pay attention, but like, yeah, and while I'm not excusing the behavior, we we start to intermingle intermingle intent and impact, right? While I can acknowledge the impact, people wanted to assign intent, and that's the problem that I had, right? Even if you're joking, you can still have a negative impact, you know what I mean. So, but she the per the only person that was there says, I know he was joking. Now that's not a joke, and da-da-da, and and yeah, right? Like, what are we doing? And then we I personally feel the crying part was emotional manipulation, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02Because yeah, I mean, I don't know if I would cry, but if she says triggering, I don't know, yeah.
SPEAKER_01But that part that the thing is for me, that didn't have relevance to the story, right? Of I was texting and he took my phone. When you add the I was crying, what that does is exacerbates the he took my phone, and we're completely ignoring that you're out with this person and you're texting, right? So if we if we took the part where he take, if he never took the phone and he maybe he said something, he mentioned her being on the phone, right? Man, get off your phone before I take it, joking, and then she she cried at that. We would be focusing on what he said. Oh, oh, that sounds abusive. But even if she states, oh, he was joking, he never did it, he's joking, but again, we want to assign intent and we forget the you know, so it's like things like that where it's like you you meet someone, and then now there's just all of these rules that you're expected to follow, you know. Like we live in the age of the dating app, you know, back in the day when dating apps first came out, you was oh, you on that, oh you desperate. Now it's right, it's a normal thing, right? But reading these bios is just a list of rules. Don't do this and don't do that, and if you're this and if you that, you know, and the dudes and is that art.
SPEAKER_02Let me just ask because uh clearly I haven't been on a dating app in quite some time. Would is that um inclusive of women in their 40s and up, or are we just talking about dating in general?
SPEAKER_01There's well, that's that's my age range, so I don't know. I don't, you know, I mean, there's a few, like I think the lowest that I probably get in my feed would be 38, something like that, right?
SPEAKER_02Okay, so women, yeah, xenia women, right? Gen X and millennial women are creating rules setting.
SPEAKER_01And because I got I got a lot of homegirls that's so I'm I'm saying women because that's that's in my feed, but I lots of homegirls that's saying men and yeah, they're they're all this is this is what I want. This is what I'll don't do this if you're this, if you got this many kids, if they this age, so look, you know, and a part of me would say, right, like if you're reading that beyond maybe being annoyed, it can help you decide if it's something's worth your time. Like, if you want to date somebody's like, I don't want to date somebody with kids, and you got kids, and you like cool, I'm gonna hit the well, some of it's presentation, but what I'm saying is your bio, a bio is literally about you, you yes, but I know nothing about you, I know everything you don't want, and I know everything you expect, but I don't know anything about you. Like, I would like to know what dating you brings, right? What am I going to experience in dating you? That's what I look for in a bio.
SPEAKER_02Okay, I like it. So, for our roadies and road dogs, if you're dating, if you're open to dating, if you're on not me dating, but if you're on a date, if you're on a dating app, if you're on a date right now, hopefully you're not watching us and you no.
SPEAKER_01First of all, if you're on a date right now, keep keep watching. But you go get your phone taken.
SPEAKER_02If you no, y'all watch together. That actually would be a great date to watch together, but right, let's do some inventory, right? Does your bio state more about the other person than it does about you? And also, have you considered um whether you've written it or whether you express it, right? To someone that you're dating, what dating you brings? Now, I think that sounds very close to what do you bring to the table?
SPEAKER_01No, it's not close to it's precisely that.
SPEAKER_02Oh, it is that okay.
SPEAKER_01No, it's it sounds very, very close. Yeah, no, it is. What do you like? What's the ROI? However, you want to word it. What do you bring? You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02Like, and I don't bring me, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever had to answer that question. I don't know if it's for good or bad, in no relationship that I've ever been in.
SPEAKER_01Because okay, so never asked me that. Here's the here's the problem with people like you. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, and several of my homegirls. You know what? Y'all speak for me.
SPEAKER_02I'm glad we are thousands of miles apart. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_01No, just just because you my my my my close friends are unicorns that don't have the perspective or lens of what we're experiencing. You don't have to answer that question because you actually bring it. What's going on, everybody? Thank y'all for watching the crossroads podcast. Take one second, hit that subscribe button and like the page so you can get alerts for any time we go live or drop new episodes. Hit that subscribe button, right? It's like, oh, this is you just do, you know what I'm saying? So you're someone who questions are often answered before they're asked, right? You're somebody who's communicative, so you you're not someone who you all very seldom do you ever have to wonder what you're thinking, right?
SPEAKER_02But all things being equal at a scroll, you don't you don't know me, you don't know anybody else. We're the expectation is to lead with this is what I bring to the table versus giving somebody the opportunity.
SPEAKER_01What I mean is it's not an exhaustive list, but what I'm saying is if what is what is the experience of you? Hey, I'm this, I'm that, I'm this kind of person. Okay, you know, I'm kind, I'm open-minded, I'm adventurous, I enjoy this, right? Okay, those are you know it goes back to a classic bio to things about you, but there's still things about you, so but these are things that I can experience versus everything that you hate, right? So, like, okay, I'll say on hinge has prompts. Well, some a few of them have prompts, but one prompt is dating me is like right, like oh, dating me is like biting into a warm chocolate chip cookie, and you thought it was oatmeal raisin. I don't know. People people are creative, you know, but there are certain prompts. Sometimes they land well. Sometimes I think somebody sent me a message and and the hench flagged it as inappropriate or disrespectful. And I was like, I want to see what she said. It made me want to see it more, you know, and she was being flirty, but it was it was a creative flirt. It wasn't she was original, and I can respect I wasn't attracted to her, but it was um it was original. She was like, she said something on the lines of um, I feel like you would be uncomfortable with me calling you sexy, prove me wrong or change my mind, something like that, right? It's like you wanna you want to give this compliment and you don't know if I'm comfortable or not. So let me know if you're comfortable. It's just basically saying, Was it okay to say this? Yeah, I can respect that. I can respect you know, that was it was it was different than like, right, you know, right, and and just liking is cool, right? But it was something it was memorable, right? It was complimentary, you know, but I I I just happen to not be attracted, right? So, you know, it happens that way, but yeah, it's I think it's just the run of the meal, like you know, I've seen dudes if if if you got more than this many kids or this many baby daddies, right? Certain things you can find out in a conversation, but you only have but so long to pique someone in someone's interest beyond your pictures, right?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and I think a lot of times people are trying to well, of course, uh when it's on something like threads or Twitter or Facebook or whatever, you know, you have the dual, right? Like maybe you are putting yourself out there to meet somebody, but you also have other eyes on you, and I think people are so into trying to impress the masses versus really focusing in on the person that may or may not be for them. Um, but also would you say, like, after 40, you know, priorities are different, and maybe people are just trying to weed out the noise and get straight to it? Like, okay, yeah, back in the day, courting or talking or all the different things that you know it has been called over the years gave you time to get to know somebody. But do you feel that at a certain age or in this day and age, people are like, look, I don't have time for all that. I don't want to invest my feelings, my money, my time. You know, I just want to know like, is this gonna be as maybe not a sure thing? Because we we never know.
SPEAKER_01As close to a sure, they want assurances, and yes, I do think it's that, but I also think it's stupid because what are you doing otherwise, right? You're still single and you still right, like that's not rushing the process, you're not getting closer to it by being insufferable, you know what I mean? And so that's like even though you're married, there are things that you still enjoy and desire from your husband that he was doing in the beginning, right? He doesn't get to now not care for you and do the things that it took for you guys to fall in love and eventually get married, and the excuse be well, I'm too old for that now. We older now, right? You see what I'm saying? Like we too, we too old to buy flowers now, you too old to right. So the rules don't change, you know, or let me say the process doesn't change because you're older and I'm supposed to adhere to your clock. Absolutely not, right? Um, and and we present as if your desires are the only ones that exist, you know, and your and it's it's it's it's this thing where I just realized for me certain things like like I say the standards are BS, right? We say, Oh, well, I have standards, standards. Well, what is a standard? A standard ain't nothing but an expectation, right? And how can you have an expectation of someone you don't know? Now, I'm not talking about just basic human courtesy and decency, right? Oh, they gotta do this and they gotta do that, and people, you know, people get upset when they say, Oh, people do the bare minimum. I I'm going to do the bare minimum. You know why? I just met you, I don't know you. You have done nothing to deserve anything beyond the bare minimum, right? As I experience you, whichever direction that goes, then my effort increases, yeah. And my effort typically increases when I see the reciprocation of the effort I'm already giving, right? So, like I was texting with somebody, and the we only communicated when I text, when I when I text her call first. Okay. Now, while she was responsive when I did, she never initiated communication. That's not something that I because you're showing me early, like if you can't do something as simple as initiate communication, communication, yeah. This is gonna be all me the whole way. So if if you if you don't initiate the small, it's not leading me to believe that you're going to initiate bigger things, right? And it was too early for it to matter or care or have a conversation, so I was just like, you know it right now. Had we gone further, and then I noticed like it changed, yeah. You have a conversation, right? I didn't care. It was like, okay, well, if she wants to talk, she'll reach out. I've I've done the the things, you know. We've gone out, I planned that. I you you know, and I'm sure you're I'm not the only person you're talking to, so no sweat off your back either. But I just know that I don't I don't mind exerting effort, but I also appreciate effort return.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. So understood. Understood. Wow, wow, wow. Okay, so Um we talked about, you know, kind of maybe feeling a little rusty or maybe just not sure. Like, okay, what do you feed this thing?
SPEAKER_01Like, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Am I am I aligned with today's version of um dating? Of course, just not being um enchanted at all with how it goes. Like, I, you know, clearly am married, but I it makes me so appreciative, like extra, extra. Like many times I have to stop, be like, look at this. I'm so glad we're together. Like it seems over the top, but it's like, okay, even the things that, you know, maybe I want to talk about, can we work on this or let's do this? It pales, uh, you know, in comparison to some of the stuff that you see. And one of the things it appears is this kind of like unwillingness to see a different perspective or try something new. Um, I see often um, you know, married women, you know, what's your best advice for single women? And I try to respond, whenever I do respond, I try to respond the same way. And it's something along the lines of like, you are gonna be married to your husband. If I tried to take somebody else's advice for their husband and apply it to my husband, it just would not work out, right? There now, there are some things I think like men, women or black men and black women, and you know, over this age that may apply across, but you have to realize that your person is your person, and you are different, probably, than you know, whoever is giving the information. So I always try to encourage single women to like take the memes and the videos and uh advice and all that kind of stuff with a grain of salt. There's some stuff that is just like okay, this might work for us, or I'll I'm willing to give it a try. But if it doesn't, um, don't be discouraged about that because you literally are learning a different person and you are a different person. And then I know we've talked about this over the course of the pod, right? Like we continue to become a different version of ourselves as we go along. So if you go from dating to marriage and then you know, go on. So we just celebrated four years of marriage, but 10 years of being together, we different, and in some ways, we you know, maybe like, oh, I'm so glad you're different, or I like this new version, and in other ways, we might be like, I didn't ask for this.
SPEAKER_03Who are both right, exactly right?
SPEAKER_02Um, you know, and sometimes there there are clearly there are physical changes, there are mental emotional changes once you start experiencing life together or grief or loss, um making more money, making less money, getting a job, losing a job, like all these kinds of things can change people. And so trying to take a one-size-fits-all approach, it one is lazy, but it's also very dangerous. Um, because it's it's just like recipes, honestly. You know, you you can you can follow the instructions and still get something different than the person who you know may have and sometimes the best chefs cook from feel rather than instructions.
SPEAKER_01And I'm I don't knock everything as far as like social media advice, because some things can be more universally accepted, like, hey, these are good things that you could do versus if they do this, it means this, right? When we start assigning intent and projecting our traumas and stuff like that. But I I also think it's it's such a lack of focus on the person versus the circumstance or the resource or whatever, because we neglect the fact, you know, to your point, that those things can change, right? So if you're focused, like, okay, you know, there's a lot of women, oh, if you're not making this, or I saw somebody say that, like, oh, if 120 or 130 dollars for a date is expensive to you, then dating might not be for you, buttercup. And it's like, for someone who's not paying for dates, how are you worried about, you know what I'm saying? Trying to judge what should and shouldn't be spent. And and we always are looking from the from the perspective of the beneficiary, right? Right. And so the standard when it comes to dating in these conversations is always from the perspective of the beneficiary, and you know, on on both sides, and and that part gets annoying. So let's if we talk from the financial perspective, right? Let's say, oh, he's making a certain amount of money and he can take you here and he's taking you there, and you're like, Oh my god, I love this so much, and then you end up in this relationship, and then he loses that job, right? Because right now we're living in a very tough economy, yeah. Unemployment, especially among black people, unemployment is up significantly, right? So now he don't he doesn't have that same income, or maybe the cost of living has gone up, you know, and and he's no longer able to do what he was doing before, and now it's a problem because that's what you fell in love with, and not him, right? Like, what was it like experiencing him? What is it like when you're not in the fancy restaurants and y'all not dressed up and you're not spending four or five hundred on dinner, you know what I'm saying, or a concert, or traveling and taking trips, right? And so now you're good, you still have your job because you were one of these ones. Oh, we're not having the 50-50 conversation, you see what I'm saying, and you neglect what life looks like. So now you're looking to him, you know, it's like you still got yours, but then he's not a man if you have to control, you know. So you have those a lot that subscribe to different areas, and I'm not knocking anybody like if there's dudes out there that can facilitate that lifestyle, and that's how they think that should they should it should go. Yeah, cool. I'm not one of them. I just I think it's financially, emotionally, and relationally, relationally irresponsible to do that, yeah. You know, I think both people should be contributing in in all facets, right? Um do what works for you, but for me, I think two people building and contributing to something, you go further faster uh with that.
SPEAKER_02But yeah, and so even something like that, right? And so that's why I like I said, take what works for you and then toss the rest. Because if it doesn't work for, I don't know who it works for, but um, if it doesn't work for you to um, you know, we're both contribute, or let me not say both contributing, maybe it just looks different, right? Because there are some relationships where the man is like, I don't want, and the woman is okay with not contributing financially. I am going to take care of whatever your needs are. Um, however, this is what's important to me, right? I want to cook, I want you to look nice, I want you whatever the situation may be in a dating um relationship. And so what I encourage people to do is just like find your person. Hi, roadies and road dogs. While you're enjoying this episode, don't forget to stop and subscribe to our Patreon for just a few dollars a month. You'll have access to episodes 48 hours in advance, plus polls, live QA, and reaction videos. You'll also get access to a wonderful community. So go to the website on the screen or scan the QR code, and we can't wait to see you in our Patreon community. I think we spend a lot of time talking about like what's the right way and what's the wrong way, and you should do this and you should do that. And it's like, whatever it is you like, go find somebody else that likes the same thing, and y'all live heavily happily ever after. What we continue to see is people like, I like you, like you're aesthetically pleasing to me, and you know, I can see myself with you, you cool. So I want you to want what I want, and it's like it doesn't work that way. It's like listen, you you may think I'm cute, but I want somebody to pay all these bills. And if you don't want to pay all these bills, you're not a man, it's the it's the how I feel, right? But also for you, it doesn't mean that you're not a man, it's just I'm not for you, and so instead of getting getting on any of the platforms or formulating an opinion, like you know, women all they want is that no, that woman that's important to her, and you guys are not a match, but not all women feel that way, just like not all men are after right.
SPEAKER_01But that's also the danger of social media, right? Because here's the thing your algorithm is such that it will appear to be that way, right? When I say my feds algorithm is trash now, I'm um old enough, intelligent enough to know that this is not encompassing of all women, right? However, if this is my my sample group, ew, yeah, yeah, or what old girl be saying on yuck, but also it's but it's by design. The you know, the people that run social media they understand, and they've even said that I was watching on the documentary. There was like, you're more likely to respond something that's negative than something that's positive, right? Because you're gonna argue and you but so it creates the engagement. But like, if I open threads right now, it wouldn't take me five seconds to find a negative post about men.
SPEAKER_02My threads have been has been cool lately, thankfully.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, mine is like, and it's not even it was like that when I first opened. So people like that's what you be searching, and like, no, it isn't. I'm I'll be going not interested, not trying to change my algorithm because I don't want to see it, but it that's just all it feeds me, right? It's it's like that also like um Instagram, right? My explore page, people like, oh well, that's what you said. Absolutely not. Like, if you look at my likes versus my explore page, staunchly different. I'm not on there like an ass, right? I like music, I like comedy, you know what I mean, and informational stuff, but explore page, ass. Right? Like that's that's what it is.
SPEAKER_02So do you go? Do you go in and well, I don't know. I I can go to my explorer page, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'm not, I'm not gonna explore page. I already know it's I do click it sometime.
SPEAKER_02I'll be like, uh, right, but I don't it's Greek stuff, it's business stuff generally. Um, and they changed the doggone.
SPEAKER_01No, I'll screen review.
SPEAKER_02It's a new topic that's on here a little more, and you you probably know what that is. We'll we'll get into that later, yeah. Yeah, uh but um so do you do you engage with stuff that's on your explore page, or do you just like you see it and you like no?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't engage every now and again. If I mean if she looks real good, I'll look, but I don't I'm not commenting and and well, yeah, I'm like, I'm sure if they get you to open it, I'm trying to figure out, but also they listen.
SPEAKER_02I you know, I'm sure they're listening to some of the stuff we're talking about.
SPEAKER_01It's you know, yeah, it's definitely set up, right? Like if I'm saying, Oh, I need me some Gatorade when I open my phone, yeah. You know, now I'm gonna be they're gonna be trying to quench my thirst. So, first of all, pun intended, but yeah, it's it's it's wild out here. Um, and it's it's the not I think the frustrating part is that is the knowledge of there's good women out there and good men out there, but yet finding that match of somebody that matches your values and somebody that likes you, you know. Matter of fact, I was uh um me and hashtag was sending stuff on on Instagram. It was something you sent me, and I was I said something about uh it was talking about like women in Houston or this, this, and the third. I was like, man, nowadays you gotta scan your card to say hello. You know, like everybody just not everybody, it's but that's it's that's the vibe. Everybody's putting a price tag on themselves, you know what I mean. Um, and so it just makes it hard, it's kind of disheartening, and then you know, we're fighting against high value this and no my worth that, and yeah, you know, it's like y'all.
SPEAKER_02I mean, I guess just I don't know how you block out the noise if it's being pushed to you, unless you know, if you're the type of person who would be okay with maybe a social media fast or something that kind of takes you out of that, and then spending more time in the real world, if you will, like going out to meet people. I don't, you know, something like that.
SPEAKER_01Well, having a podcast kind of works against that narrative, but I get it.
SPEAKER_02Well, not you, I'm just in general. In general, um, you know, doing that or doing, you know, if you're on social media, it's just for that, right? Like, I'm gonna, you know, cut and post clips, I'm gonna, you know, whatever, but I'm not necessarily on there engaging in relationship conversation or looking at, you know, certain media or whatever the case may be and seeing if that will reset it. Um, but for for folks who are actively dating, I was just saying, like, if you remove yourself from that particular situation and spend more time with people that may more closely align with and represent what's really going on around you. I think it it is hard to consider like all women aren't like this or all men aren't like this when you are seeing it all the time, but that may not necessarily be the experience, you know, one-to-one, or if you are actively um dating multiple people. So it's something to um, you know, to consider. I know, you know, I hear people talking about being intentional and you know, communicating and all of that. And that's why I asked, like, you know, when people put their expectations, their boundaries, their whatever out there to begin with, is that a way to be intentional or to communicate? And we would say yes, in some instances, but it also, you know, is like the way that you do it, right? Does that need to be the first thing that's said, or can we at least, you know, get to know one another um and determine? Because I think sometimes you don't even have to get into these things, like just the that first date might let you know you don't want a second date, and then everything else doesn't even matter, yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I've I've done that like pretty often as well, you know.
SPEAKER_02It's like you know, so so I guess we're moving into final thoughts, huh?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes so fast, it does, it does, just like most of these relationships. Oh Lord, my lord. So, what are your final thoughts dating after 40? Not that you know, I mean, I know your experience is different. We'll have to talk about marriage at 40.
SPEAKER_02Marriage at 40, right? Yeah, um, and maybe some of it is the same because you know, I feel like you have to be in a certain place to get to the um marriage, and so one is just you know, be honest with yourself about what it is that you want and that you're willing to give, because even though we don't want to frame it as transactional, um, nobody is wants to date or get into a relationship or get married to only give. That's a lie. I don't I don't know anybody, I don't well, okay. So it's not necessarily, you know, if you spend$200 on a date for me, then you know we going back to your place after that. I'm not talking about that kind of transaction, but again, like what are you bringing to the dating situation, to the relationship, to the marriage? Like, what is it that you are willing to do? And if we shift from what can I get first, and I know it's like a novel and probably scary concept, to thinking about what you're willing to give first. And I remember saying this to hashtag boo like a long time ago. It's just like if we focus on being the very best that we can be, one you know, for ourselves, but to one another, like we never have to worry about like, am I being covered or you being covered because we're covering each other. Like, if I'm thinking about you and my um actions are reflecting that I'm thinking about you, you don't have to be so you know, starved to have to think about yourself. Well, I gotta take care of me because she's never thinking about me, or I have to take care of me because he's never thinking about me. If we make it a point um to show that outwardly and to be caring and kind and compassionate and the things that we want now, as we get into love languages and different things, maybe the things that you like and want aren't necessarily the things that they like and want, but you can start there. Like, if that's how you show love, that's what you're used to. You can at least share that, right? And so I think when people see, like, oh, wait, you're not just out to take from me, you're actually willing to give. I started cooking for my husband way early in the game. Now, to me, it wasn't like, oh, if I cook for him, this means he has to marry me and all these kinds of things. It was just something that I wanted to do to show that I cared. Like it, I ain't make it mean no more, no less. If we didn't wind up together anymore, guess what? I'm not cooking anymore. Like that's now I wasn't cooking every day and all that kind of stuff because most of you know we were long distance, so it was a little different. And I do think, you know, if the expectation is, you know, you're cooking every day and we're having sex on the regular and we're da-da-da-da-da, and we're not in a relationship, that's a different type of situation, right? Unless that's something that you're cool with. Um, but I don't think huh? That's what says like if you find somebody that's like we we good, you good, but if that's not something that you want, it's okay to express that, but it's also okay to be kind. So I'm just saying, like, don't uh assume a role that someone is not willing to cast you in, but also doing small things, you know, acts of kindness doesn't automatically mean, you know, well, you just giving away the the cow. It's like, well, I just made tacos, like it's I was hungry.
SPEAKER_01I had to go.
SPEAKER_02Tacos are a love language, like what you look like is tacos, so you know, I just think we we it's like all or nothing. We don't ever think about like, yeah, showing people who you are and what kind of girlfriend or boyfriend or uh husband or wife that you would be. Like, are you even giving them the vision of what that might look like? And so many people are like, no, you just like you need to know that you want to be with me, girl. Right, yeah, and a boy, all of it, all of it. Bye. So that that that's what I would yeah, um, that's what I would offer, you know. Give give glimpses, you know. Yes, have your standards, have your boundaries, all of that, but be kind, be kind like to be mean to somebody and then expect that they are gonna want to marry you or claim you or be in an exclusive relationship with you is or wondering why nobody approaches, especially because you're you're mean, yes, and at this age, so here's another thing I'm gonna like yes, at 40 plus and all of that, like you know, we pray that we have 40 50 years in front of us, but the reality is for some of us, we we don't, and so you know doing this kind of stuff that keeps you single. If it's your desire to be in a loving relationship, I challenge you in 2026, do something different. If whatever you've been doing is not working, it doesn't mean it's wrong. I won't even get into that. But if whatever you're doing is not yielding the results that you have been looking for for the past few months or years, do something different. And then come report back. Let us know. Yeah, facts.
SPEAKER_01All right, let's see. My final thought. Um, you know, I'll start. Okay, so I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and she asked in this conversation, she was telling me about a conversation she had with a dude that liked her, or I guess they were talking. And she was like, Do men really care about do men really care if women show like they're interested or do they feel a type of way? I was like, Yeah, we want to feel the same things that you feel, you know. She said, Do the men really care about feeling desired? I was like, absolutely, like it was a genuine question, and so I didn't shame her for the question, but the fact that's even a question, right? Because now it's the sassy narrative of oh, y'all want to be women so bad, you know. And I use that example because too far too often we neglect to consider another person's experience, right? When you are meeting somebody with all of your standards and what you want and what they should be doing, and taking inventory on everything they're doing for you, are you considering what you are or aren't doing for them? Like, what are you presenting? And to your point earlier, it's like if we focused more on our offerings than our requirements, we might have better success. But we're so focused on what we can get that we don't even notice we have nothing to give, or if we do have something to give, we can't even identify it. You know what I mean? And so I also say that in this positive speak and uh you know, self-love era, and there's nothing wrong with self-love, but sometimes we delude ourselves, right? We often expect from people uh treatment for a version of ourselves we have not yet become, right? We want people to treat us like the person we want to be and not the person we are, right? It's like we want people to see us as a version that has not manifested, and no one is benefiting from a future version of you, we can only go by now, right? I can't count on you being this, you know. I can't, you know, that's like me expecting a woman, hey, I need you to treat me like I'm a millionaire, right? But a millionaire would probably be doing different things, you know, like some of the same things, but at a different level, you know what I mean? So it's like, how do I treat you like a millionaire when you're not doing millionaire things? Being with a millionaire, multimillionaire is a much different experience, I assume, right? From a financial or experiential, you know, not necessarily an emotional uh standpoint. But so yeah, I say that to say, like it's we put far too much value in the receiving than the giving. We we don't spend enough time building ourselves and building value in ourselves so that when someone does come, the offerings are even greater. Um, I the someone else is like, you know, black men, what is it about a black woman that makes you want to be better? And I said, nothing, right?
SPEAKER_02Um, because okay, I'm gonna interrupt your final thought because I tell you this all the time. I think you just be trying to go for the shock, and all I know you don't mean that. Well, I know you mean that, but not in the way that it but you oh when I say something like that, one I'm not trying to.
SPEAKER_01That's just how I respond. You know me long enough to know that's but there's just something else.
SPEAKER_02People don't, everybody doesn't know you, so to say nothing, yeah.
SPEAKER_01But I'm not going to, but I'm not gonna respond in a way, oh well, they don't know me, so let me respond. No, I'm gonna I'm still gonna be me, and you'll find out when I finish saying what I'm saying. I that I get it, yeah. So I know because I know you know me, but I I'm I'm not worried about someone else's perception, you know. Like if you take it aback, whatever, but I didn't say nothing full stop. I explained why I said nothing, so it was nothing because I'm going to be the best version of myself for me, and she'll benefit from that. Like the woman that's with me is going to benefit from the best version of me because I don't look for extrinsic factors or people or whatever to be better. We should want to be like, so what it's like what do we do while we're single?
SPEAKER_02Okay, I'm gonna we're gonna pause again. So, in a previous conversation, we were talking about black women compliments, and it might not be the same thing, but it's sticking out to me. So, a black woman complimenting or you know, kind of gassing or whatever, that that doesn't that's not an extrinsic factor.
SPEAKER_01I'm not doing it for her, I'm saying the compliment is gonna make me want to go do it more. Like if you tell me, Oh, oh, I see you muscles been working out, yes, and I'm on record. There's nothing like the compliment of a black woman, but I'm not working out for her or for a black, I'm working out for me. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to stay alive, right? It's for me now. You will benefit from that. Like, if you're with me, like if you want a man to look the same way and be in shape, hey, right? Like you're benefiting from that. You want a man like, hey, I'm I'm trying to build wealth and blah blah blah blah blah. If you're with me, you're benefiting from that. I'm not doing it for you, though, right? Okay, so that's what I mean. Like, because I'm going to do it with or without you, is what I mean.
SPEAKER_02Okay, and and you might be, I'm gonna say you're a unicorn, but I definitely know men that do a lot of things, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because of women, and not and I and I used to be one of them, but the problem is when you no longer have her, because even for me, any woman that I've ever changed for or whatever for, they're not here, I'm no longer with them. So now what do I like? Hey, why are you not trying to be better, bars? I got a woman, I gotta wait, I gotta wait. I gotta find me a black woman to be better for, right? No, that's not how that works. So that's what I mean. I'm I'm becoming better, I'm building value and and becoming my best self because that's what I should be doing, regardless, right? So, or sometimes you don't like you got to be better to find her. That woman that you or man that you want might exist in the space that you haven't elevated to yet, and you haven't had like the person that you want is in a different emotional bracket, a different tax, whatever. So you say you desire this, but you haven't become the person that's eligible for that person yet, right? Right. So I can't, you know, I'm that's still not doing it for it. It's like, hey, I need to do this regardless, right? And when I find her, I like hey, look, look, look what you get, right? You know what I'm saying? So I want her to feel just as lucky as I feel having her because if I'm choosing her, I think she's dope, I think she's whatever, and I and I'm gonna feel lucky, and I want her to have that same experience. So I'm gonna continue to improve myself, but I'm gonna do it without her anyway. So, you know, that's that's what I mean by that. It's not a shot at black women, like, oh, black women aren't working like no, it's like you should do that anyway. You know what I mean? So, but also I'm not going to require of her treatment or viewing me as somebody who I've not yet become. See me for who I am, and if and if you rock with that, great. If you don't rock with that, if I'm not enough for you, that has to be okay. It might sting a bit, you know. I'm saying that's not great for the ego, but that's part of the game. You know what I'm saying? So yeah, it's just consider the other person's experience, consider the person versus uh what the person has, right? Or what the person does for you, create an experience for the person, you know, and the person's gonna create an experience for you, right? That we should be looking to uh have this exchange versus this extraction, you know. Yeah, and I feel like that's what a lot of dating is now. So well, y'all, that is dating over 40. Um, we'll we'll probably have to do a recap and have because this one has a lot of these, yeah. We're gonna have a lot of these because there's so many layers and perspectives, and they're not all negative. I know we this one was kind of like just the experience of it, you know. We'll come back with some some tips, some some success stories, you know, and all of that other stuff.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and then we have guests, maybe we can just ask them because yeah, you know, they're in the age group that we're well, many of them will be like, you know, what what's your experience been? Or you know, what do you think of? Because some people may be married, like what do you think about the state of you know of David and that? But I will say, like, I don't hear anything positive, so I'm I'm looking for right if you're watching this episode if you got a positive experience, let us let us know. Because listen, it's please, it's you know, shout out to the Addisons. I think they might have been and they were already married by the time we talked to them. Yeah, no, no, no, no, like where yeah, because they were the Addison, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01They they were newlyweds, they were newlyweds, so now they years in and on uh baby number two. Yeah, you know what I mean.
SPEAKER_02And some folks that we've interviewed, uh there's that part.
SPEAKER_01So uh, you know, it's tough, it's tough. I hear, you know, it is one day I'll have a story, but like, hey y'all, guess what?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we need to have us a little series. You know what I you know what part I hate, it's like most of the chicks.
SPEAKER_01Most of the chicks, I'm acting like I ran out on the air. Most of the women, like, yeah, yeah. This is that was me and Dre off air. I'm sorry, most of the lovely ladies that uh you know express interest or what like they they out of state, and I'm being so pissed. Some of them wait till I move to be like, oh my god, like I have uh ma'am, ma'am. Yeah, I hear you. So that's a rough one, but we'll pick it up, y'all. We're gonna look at it.
SPEAKER_02People can relocate. Uh you know, I know that's not that may not be your desire, doesn't mean that the young lady won't.
SPEAKER_01I'll say that I did, I have told somebody if you ever found yourself in the same city, we're gonna have a conversation. I've I've said that, I've said that whether that happens or not, and you know, so I'm not putting it, I'm not saying hey, you gotta move, or but I also don't want to do long distance. But I'm like, if we end up in the same place at the same time and we both available, a conversation is to be had. Okay, well, so uh, you know, it is what it is.
SPEAKER_02Well, whether the relocation or whether you meet someone that is currently in the location that she needs to be, though after visiting, and as big as that place is, it could still feel like long distance, and they could still be in the same city.
SPEAKER_01People are very much in the same city and still geographically undesirable. Yeah, I'm like because I live in a sort of uh part of town where nobody likes to visit. It's you know, they like you live what they like, it's fast, it yeah, it's 600 square miles, yes, is this city, and uh yeah, yeah, but we'll we'll do listen, we're gonna come up with different variations of of the dating conversation. We have to because y'all love it. I love talking about it, you know, the grim, the positive, all of that stuff. But we have to wrap this one up. So, this has been another episode of the crossroads. We love y'all, we appreciate y'all. Don't forget to like and subscribe. And till next time, always remember, remember, remember, be free to be you. We'll see y'all next week.
SPEAKER_02See you next time.
SPEAKER_04It's been the crossroads podcast, and remember, be free to be you.